Women, Flowers and Compliments

As a result of last week’s blog on things men should know, I received a variety of comments ranging anywhere from, “Thank you!”  to “I didn’t know any of that!” or “I already know everything about women.”

I’m not an expert, but I’ve had years of being around thousands of women, so I thought I’d share some of the feedback with you.  Below are a few comments from male readers:

“Every woman wants flowers at work – only if she likes her man, right? Isn’t this connected with the approval of other women at work?” Hmm…I think women just want flowers. It doesn’t really matter who they come from or if she likes the sender. Daffodils and lilies are neutral…they come in peace.

“Women want to be pursued, and are tired of men not pursuing  — what they mean is, they want the men they like to pursue them and not have to deal with anyone else pursuing them.” Well, I guess it’s true that women want the men they like to pursue them, but one thing guys don’t realize is that you get huge bonus points with women when you make your intentions clear. Women are tired of analyzing and trying to guess what you’re thinking. Tired. All things being equal, if there are two guys pursuing a girl and she likes them both, one might move ahead of the other if he shows genuine pursuit and the other is flaky.

But a word of warning here. Women are like sheep – they are easily startled. If you come on too strong out of nowhere, you might scare her off. If you’ve never spoken a word to her and you show up out of the blue with flowers and a dinner invite, she might be shocked. You want to build up the pursuit gradually.

And pursuing does not equal stalking. Never be a stalker.

“OK, so how do I ask her out without scaring her off?” Ask her out for lunch or coffee. “Would you like to go to lunch?” is not a profession of undying love, and it won’t be viewed that way.  Just say something like, “You seem like an interesting person, and I’d like to get to know you better. Let’s have lunch at Schlotzsky’s .” Or the even-more-vague, “I’ve been in the mood for Schlotsky’s…would you like to get lunch on Tuesday?” She won’t know if you want her or a sandwich.

But don’t ruin it by staying stuck in this phase for too long – after six deli lunches, she will wonder what the heck you’re doing, or (worse) have decided you are a good friend. You could always do the group date…but honestly, women are tired of those – you have 1-2 group dates max and then you need to cowboy up and ask her out.

“Don’t women sometimes down talk their own appearance only in expectation of having others tell them they are wrong and that they are really beautiful?”  I don’t think women everywhere are fishing for compliments….I think it boils down to one other thing I don’t think guys will ever fully understand — how much work women have to put into their appearance in general (makeup, hair, whiten teeth, tanning, shaving, pedicure, eyebrows, jewelry, clothes, shoes, etc.). I’ll put it this way, if we’ve spent 45 minutes getting ready in the bathroom, we expect you to tell us we look nice when we get out. Especially if it only took you 10 minutes.

“How can I tell if she likes me or if she’s just being polite?” This is a great question, as all women are different, but the basic answer is, she will try to keep the conversation going. in general, if she’s being polite, she will just smile and be polite (“Great! Thanks!”). If she likes you, she will probably try to keep the conversation going (“Thanks! What movie did you see? Did you like it?”) Ask yourself, does she react to what you’re saying, or is she proactive in talking to you? Also – does she try to be around you?

For those of you who are married: I know you’ve read this before, but just because you’re married, please don’t stop the courtship. Sorry to be unoriginal, here but it’s true. “But I was pursuing an object and I caught it,” you might say. Well, I’ll put it this way – remember when you were dating and she put a lot of time and effort into her appearance (hair, makeup, clothes, etc.). How would you feel if she just stopped everything once you got married? (“But we caught you. Next?”) Would that be fair? That’s sort of how women feel when you stop making an effort to date her after you’ve been married for a few years.


That’s all for now. After all, I’m not Dr. Phil or Dr. Ruth…just your helpful coffee travel blogger.

Back to writing about coffee, tea and holy water!

I’ll only say, if all of this sounds complex or intimidating, don’t be too hard on yourself. This is only unofficial advice. It’s not like it’s written down anywhere.

But it should be…