10 Things I Learned From the Oscars

1.  If you joke about an event being awkward over and over, it will probably be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

2.  Apparently the best way to get an Oscar is to play a weirdo in an independent film no one has heard of. Like Christoph Waltz. (For a master class in this, see Phillip Seymour Hoffman.)

3.  Never wear pink spandex pants to the Academy Awards. Because you might win an Oscar for something awkward…like Best Hair and Makeup, and then you’d have to go up on stage to claim it.

4.  Tommy Lee Jones is getting old, yall. But it’s OK…Christopher Plummer is older.

5.  Take some acceptance speech advice from a 9-year-old nominee, Quvenzhané Wallis. When asked on the red carpet if you’ve thought about what you’d say if you win, simply say, “Yes. I did think about it.”

6.  I think the Academy has an arrangement with the theaters to nominate movies that weren’t advertised and no one went to see. Then you feel like you have to see it because it won an Oscar. Bonus points if the Best Picture nominees didn’t even come out in your city.

7.  This being said, how is it that one of the best movies of the year, The Hunger Games, didn’t get a single nomination…in any category?

Frankenweenie and Paranorman were both nominated, for crying out loud.

8.  As an actress, nothing makes us love you more than watching you take down an arena of 24 lethal tributes then trip over the train of your dress and do a faceplant on the way up to claim your Oscar. Even if you didn’t get nominated for The Hunger Games (see #7).

9.  How can people who act for a living be so clueless when it comes to reading a teleprompter? Just act like you practiced this, OK?

10.  And the winner for Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Movie of the Year is…

I don’t know, because my DVR cut off.