I’ve always secretly hated New Year’s resolutions. Why? Because asking an overachiever to come up with a New Year’s resolution list is sort of like asking NASA scientists to build a go-cart.

Lose weight.

Eat right.

Spend less.

Study the Bible more.

Read more.

Pray more.

Talk to family members more.

Send more notecards.

Remember birthdays.

Watch less TV.

Listen more. Talk less.

Get more sleep.

Drink less coffee.

Be more available.

(And now that my personality has totally changed…welcome, New Year.)

I actually gave up New Year’s resolutions years ago for several reasons:

1. It’s a big decision to make after Christmas. I’m still standing in the mall, trying to figure out how to spend my Target card and…all of a sudden, I’m supposed to be making life-altering decisions? I’ll be doing good if I can decide which date to take down the Christmas tree.

2. If New Year’s Eve is on a Sunday, there’s always the added pressure to make it something spiritual. If the sermon is on not gossiping, for example, you can guess what influence that will be on the resolutions of the congregation members. (Which makes it a great time, coincidentally, for a tithing sermon.)

3. It’s hard to think about losing weight after a week of eating anything and everything you never eat all year. At this point, “return to my normal eating habits” sounds more realistic.

And speaking of realistic, making resolutions nowadays isn’t what it used to be. Think you can just make up a resolution on the spot?  No sir. If you want to make a proper resolution, turn on The Today Show, or a business blog or talk show and they’ll be glad to help.

These aren’t your mother’s New Year’s resolutions. They have to be measurable. They have to be specific. They have to be quantifiable. They have to be documented.

By 2015, I suspect they will have to have their own Instagram and Twitter account.

Which brings me to a good resolution, actually –

Upgrade to an iPhone.

Learn how to use Instagram.

Take more pictures.

Scrapbook more memories.

Make more memories with friends.

Make more friends.

Friend five new people a month on Facebook.

Unfriend people you haven’t spoken to in 10 years.

Attend class reunion.

Lose weight before class reunion.

Eat right.

Spend less money.

Wait, wait…whoa…

I think we’re going in circles. Which is why, again, I hereby resolve not to make any resolutions this year.

Think of all the people who have had to go into therapy because they couldn’t keep their New Year’s resolutions (inferiority issues, anyone?). You’re saving money in the long run. Which coincides with #3 Spend Less!

And anytime you can fulfill a resolution by not making a resolution you have entered the world of universe-bending paradoxes where you get to hang out with Christopher Lloyd.

I know it makes me sound kind of like a slacker. But it’s true…No New Year’s resolutions for me.

Well, maybe to write shorter blog posts, but we’ve already blown that one.

And tweet more often.

And get an iPhone.

Maybe take more pictures.

And look more photogenic in pictures…

Did I mention Instagram?

 

Happy New Year.